Pocket Taser

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the

wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their

anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn

Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and

I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I

came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived,

with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her

adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story

short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA

batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was

disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue

arc of electricity darting back and forth between the

prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie

what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to

myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,

right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie

(for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such

a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to

protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a

pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately

on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in

another.

The directions said

that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; and

A

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about

5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description,

but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on

with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,'

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing

couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst

just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,

pushed the button, and...

HOLYMOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty

sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I

had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room...

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a

Tazer,
One note of caution:

There

is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will

not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second

burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or

so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),

I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where

it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know

for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came

from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return!

PS:My

wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now

regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is

difficult, try being

stupid!!!

That was great!